Cheatin' When Eatin'

So whaddaya do when you've not got much in but you have to cook for someone? Simply cheat.

This is just a bog-standard stir fry, we've been through the stir fry before but I made one again and it looked like food so I'm gonna write about it.

This stir fry contained:

Carrots

Mange Tout

Broccoli

Peppers

Fake Chicken (defrosted in warm water then died off)

Onion

Chilli

Cumin

Soya sauce

Sweet Chilli Sauce

Fresh Coriander

So yeah, you know how to do the do. Oil > onion > chilli > cumin seeds > veg > fake stuff > soya sauce.

Then plate it up and garnish with coriander leaf and maybe some sweet chilli sauce.

Use any veg you've got. The fake stuff isn't necessary and could easily be replaced with other fake things or tofu or peanuts or cashews. Or just left out, whatevs, dude.

If your food is pretty standard (this was using up stuff lying around) then you can swank it up buy putting your cooked rice into a cup/small bowl then placing it on a plate, it'll take the shape of the cup/bowl and then you can put yr stir fry around it and garnish the plate. Then you can tell yrself you just paid £10 for it in some gastro pub.

As always, eat with yr face. Use chopsticks if yr a show off.

Motherflippin' Roast, Y'all

Making a nutroast is stupid easy. Look.

Essentially, you want about two-or-three-ish to one of nuts to breadcrumbs. Want wheat free? I reckon oats/brown rice/rice crackers would do it.

Then you need something flavoury. Onion, garlic, leek, pepper, left over veg, yeast extract, dried herbs.. seriously, anything you want.

One of the problems with nuts is they are expensive. I am dead tight, so I tend to buy roasted/salted peanuts because they are BY FAR the cheapest available. Not, you can use them as they are, or rinse the salt off, or rinse/soak them. You can also mix in any nuts you have around.

If you soak the nuts they will be easy to blend. Otherwise you can use a pestle & mortar.

Chop up/smoosh yr other ingredients as approriate.

Mix everything together and then, wait for it, this is my SUPER_AWESOME_TIP...

...spoon the mix in to a muffin tray. In the past I've found that if I put nutroast in a loaf tin the bastard thing falls apart when I try to vuy it. A muffin tray gives you portions, and I'd say 2 is about enough for an adult....

Put it in an oven around 190.C/Gas 5 and you should be sorted. Check after 10-15 mins to see how yr doing.

Serve it with veg and wotnot. Don't pretend like you've never had a roast dinner before. But if you wanna pretend to be fancy you can use packet stuff and chuck a few dried cranberries in like I did.

The leftover nutroast portions can go in sandwiches, you bet they fucking can. With salady stuff and mustard, please.

Back Once Again Like the Renegade Master

(with a quesadilla)

So my phone went screwy and wouldn't take photos anymore. A king soul donated her old iPhone so now I am well cool and stuff. Yeah, I'm lookin' down on you. Fucking scum.

Anyway, it means I can take photos. They're still shit cos I am rubbish at that kind of thing. Having my first ever Apple product has not changed Who I Am On The Inside.

I didn't have money for ages when I expected to have money, then some  finally landed in my account yesterday. I was (and am) still knackered from a busy weekend so decided to treat myself to fake foods which make tasty food quickly.

I don't need to remind you that I don't give a shit about your authenticity, right? Good, let's go.

Tortillas x 2
Red Pepper x 1
1/2 Can Red Kidney Beans
Small-ish Onion x 1
Some Fresh corriander
Some fake Cheez (I used one of these)
Some Kinda Fake Meat (I used one of these)
1 x Red Chilli
Cumin
Veg Oil
Salt & Pepper

Chop things that need chopping (onion/pepper/chilli/coriander).
Heat oil in a pan, add onion/pepper/chilli (+ garlic if you want, I left mine in the bastard shop).
In the mean time separate half a can of beans & smoosh 'em a bit.
Add some tomato purée + water or pasata or tomato juice or chopped tomatoes or real tomatoes or WHATEVER (I apparently was out of tom purée).
Put the beans in and cook and mix.
Add Cumin/salt/pepper and right at the end some coriander. You don't want this to bee too sloppy, it's going on the tortillas.

Heat a heavy-based frying pan, place a tortilla in then put yr grated fake cheez on top.
Spread yr beany onion mix over the top, and some cut up fake meat on top of that.
Put another tortilla on top.

Turn the tortilla over after a few mins, it should've gone golden with maybe some brown bits (I used wholewhat, it's easier to tell with white ones, though). If yr worried about it burning just turn it every minute or two, if yr slack do it less often.

Slice it up like a pizza, garnish with more corriander, serve with salady things or whetever.

You could easily whack some guacamole in there or something but that would mean buying/making it and today you are probably not in the mood.

I feel like I'm missing something somewhere. I guess I am tired and out of practice. We'll see what the future brings.