Disappointment in a box.
Cranks are supposedly an institution in vegetarian food because they opened a restaurant on Carnaby Street back in 1961. Someone should tell 'em that 50 years later they need to book their ideas up.
I have 30 mins for my lunch break (another reason I bring my own) and Holland & Bastard is 5 minutes away so I dived in there today to see what I could find. I decided a sandwich might be better than a pasty or sos roll so looked closely at the shelves with the Cranks stuff on. From looking at the whole range on their website there appear to be a whopping TWO options for vegans (three if you count the same filling in different bread). So, even being generous to Cranks that's 3/22, less than 15%. Depending whose stats you believe (there are too many for me to be arsed to link) yr looking at a good 10% of the veggie population of the UK who are vegan. Add to this that vegan sandwiches are suitable for vegetarians, mix in a dollop of "FOR FUCKS SAKE, HUMOUS & SALAD OR HUMOUS & SALAD?" and you've got a slightly depressing lunch which leaves you thinking "If it weren't for that £2.50 H&B rewards voucher I'd've just got a bean salad from Sainsbury's."Seriously guys, it's 2012, you're specialist vegetarian food producers and you think humous, lettuce & carrot vs humous, chickpea, and pepper is a world of options?
As it happens, the H&B I was in didn't even stock both of the vegan sandwiches (I wonder why? Why should they use shelf space for two almost identical sandwiches? The mind boggles), so I had the one up there. Humous, lettuce, carrot & coriander. And you know what? It tasty pretty much EXACTLY like every other sorry, pre-made humous/salad sandwich I have had to settle for in the past. But with a bit of coriander.I'm not just annoyed with Cranks cos they make a disappointing sandwich with a crap selection for vegans. Why should I be? That describes pretty much any other food producer you're likely to come across in the UK (in chain stores, at least) and they obviously wanna be in with the in-crowd and down with the kids, yo. They probably even pretended to like that Mumford and Sons* record because they didn't want to be the ones standing out saying "but.. but.. this is terrible, lowest-common denominator pseudo-zany, patronising, 'look at me, I'm cultured I've got a flat cap,' in-touch-with-something fucking gash" and then have the beautiful people mock them for not "getting it."
Why should they make a sandwich I wanna buy? Hardly anyone else does. No, I am also annoyed with them because of the awful patronising "we're so bloody lovely we are, look at the fucking nonsense written on the packaging" thing they've got going on which may have started with Innocent but has gotten way out of control these days. Not to mention lots of use of works like PROPER, and REAL to show you that their food ain't full o' none of that GUNK you get from them others, OH NO! Unless you read past them telling you how fucking great they are and notice that the "fresh" sandwich has a shelf life of at least three days, and that the "proper" bread features such "real" ingredients as Mono- and Diacetyl Tartaric Acid Esters of Mono- and Diglycerides of Fatty Acids. Who doesn't remember those days? Yr grandad would come back from t' pit whistling a faux-Irish tune that's been cleansed for the ears of dullard students and jaded musos alike, yr granny would place a plate on the table saying to him "go clean up first, then you can have some scran" and your pops would come back in a few minutes later, drying his hands on a towel which was more holes than cloth. And his eyes would light up, his mouth moisten as his famished stomach came to realise that his beloved wife had prepared for him a nice steaming plate of Mono- and Diacetyl Tartaric Acid Esters of Mon- and Diglycerides of Fatty Acids. And it's because of this fond memory of being just a nipper that to this day you, yourself never let your store cupboard run dry of Mono- and Diacetyl Tartaric Acid Esters of Mon- and Diglycerides of Fatty Acids, because when the people you care about need some good, honest, REAL, PROPER food, you want to be sure to give them Mono- and Diacetyl Tartaric Acid Esters of Mon- and Diglycerides of Fatty Acids.
I'm not pulling rank on anyone with this, I'm not saying no one should eat things that sound like they might be ingredients in that weird blue plastic that's only ever used for carrier bags in off licences, I'm not saying I don't eat space-age shit. I'm just saying don't piss in my pocket and tell me it's raining, okay?
On the upside I also got a Trek Cocoa Brownie bar and these things are AWESOME. It's not even my favourite bar they make, I ration that one so I don;t get too used to it cos I am paranoid that it's awesomeness might wear thin. No really, that's how my brain works. I'm not even gonna tell you which one is my favourite.
Edit
*It's a few weeks later (20/11/12) and I just read this article. Seems I'm not alone.
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